


innocence didn't mean we're immune to these things

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Coming Back As We Are [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blangst, Bullying, Canon Gay Relationship, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorders, Episode Related, F/F, F/M, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, POV Blaine, Purging, Season/Series 03, Season/Series 04, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Song: Fuckin' Perfect, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-01 10:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5202818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine wears a mask. Sometimes it slips, but people rarely notice.<br/>Junior year is both the best and worst year of his life so far- he's going through hell on his return to public school but is with his first (and hopefully only) boyfriend ever. Life is throwing curveballs- can Blaine Anderson survive them or will he be buried under the onslaught?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Feel It Coming Out My Throat

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Fireflies" by Ron Pope.  
> Titles from sections are from "F**king Perfect" by P!nk.
> 
> Songs included are Last Friday Night by Katy Perry, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, Control by Janet Jackson, We Found Love by Rihanna, Bad by Michael Jackson, I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston, Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan, Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal) by Fergie, and You Get What You Give by New Radicals.
> 
> Songs referenced (lyrics not shown): Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid 30, Good Life by OneRepublic, and Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Soap" by Melanie Martinez.

“Over the course of your life you are actually hundreds of different people. You are a different person at the coffee shop than you are at the bar, and a different person for the dry cleaner than you are for your boyfriend, and a different person at work than you are on vacation. You are nobody in particular. But once somebody finds you and loves you, you have to keep being the person that they love. You want their love. You need to keep getting it even if it means pretending...”

― Jenny Hollowell, Everything Lovely, Effortless, Safe

**The Purple Piano Project:**

_**The whole world's scared (So I swallow the fear)** _

Blaine walks into McKinley, hands tucked in his pockets as he slowly heads to Kurt’s locker (he'd asked Mercedes for the location before school, saying he wanted to deliver Kurt a gift. She’d squealed). He has to get his hands to stop trembling before he sees Kurt, but with his parents' words on the revival of his pre-Sadie Hawkins clothing and transfer pounding through his head it’s hard to stop himself.

 _Slut_.

He takes a deep breath before turning the corner to Kurt’s hallway and adjusts his bowtie. His fingers linger against the fabric for just a moment there before falling back down, seeking the familiar comfort of the silken tie. Then he drops his hands to his side, smiles, and walks forward. Time to pull out cool, suave Blaine- the kind of Blaine that can walk proudly through the hallway of a public school without the shield of a blazer and not slump his shoulders to try and make himself seem smaller. The kind of Blaine that can serenade his boyfriend in a courtyard without the worry of the repercussions keeping him up at night.

(The kind of Blaine that Kurt can love.)

He can do this- he  _has_  to do this.

 

**Asian F:**

_**Don't you ever, ever feel (Like you're less than fucking perfect)** _

When Kurt hands him the roses in congratulations, Blaine's heart swoops as he falls just a little more in love with his boyfriend. He clutches them to his chest, childhood dreams of a handsome prince handing him flowers flickering through the back of his mind, and returns Kurt's loving smile. He nearly kisses Kurt in his joy, but then remembers that they are in the middle of McKinley High, where kissing can send bullies down on them. He notices Kurt frowning as he realizes the same thing, glancing over at the teens walking up and down the stairs besides them.

Blaine's heart falls. He hates how just the presence of other teenagers can turn a romantic moment into one of fear, one where even holding hands could get them slushied or pushed down. His grip on the stems of the flowers tightens even as he and Kurt walk away from the stairs, walking side by side but hands apart. It hurts knowing that they'll have to wait until after school for the chance to kiss his boyfriend in thanks for the flowers and the encouragement to pursue the part of Tony. Between the Neanderthals in the hallways and the cold reception he's had in glee he doesn't want to risk endangering either of them.

Even though he's prepared for it, when he walks into the room holding his bouquet and smiling (genuinely smiling, not hiding any inner pain) Santana practically  _glares_ at him his good mood crashes. It  _hurts._ Why can't he get a bouquet of flowers from his boyfriend and enjoy it? Why does everyone hate it when he and his boyfriend have unexpected, romantic moments, when they show each other that they care?

Is it him? Is it him in particular, not the gay part, that makes the glee kids cringe? The girls treat Kurt fine, but Blaine? The sooner they get rid of him the better, it seems. Last year the girls seemed to like him alright, but now that he's here in their midst every day they've grown tired of him, right? He has no idea what he's done, where he's gone wrong.

Maybe he's just always been this way and it's just taken this long for someone other than his parents to notice.

 

**Pot O'Gold:**

**_They don’t like my jeans they don’t get my hair (_** **_Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time)_ **

He's trying, okay? He's kind of desperate at this point. He doesn't care if they insult him for a performance, if the mock and jeer it, he just wants someone to _look_ at him and hold his gaze. He wants to feel included for once, and he thinks that there is no better way to catch and hold the New Directions' attention than with a song.

(And if he gets to dance with his boyfriend, then that's a bonus.)

_Last Friday night_

_Yeah I think we broke the law_

_Always say we're gonna stop_

_Oh-whoa-oh_

_This Friday night_

_Do it all again_

He dances around the room with Brittany, then trades her to Santana (her best friend? Girlfriend? He has no idea what's going on there) in order to pull Kurt up out of his seat and onto the main floor. For just a moment he forgets about the New Directions, about the way Finn glares at him when Kurt isn't looking, the way Mercedes ignores him whenever he sees her in the hallway, the way none of them even consider that he might have more to contribute than a background voice at Sectionals. He forgets their apathy (and outright animosity in some) and just dances and sings with his boyfriend, sings away his worries for a few minutes and instead focuses on the combined power of Kurt Hummel and Katy Perry.

Not so much Katy Perry, though. Sorry, Katy, but the way Blaine's boyfriend's eyes sparkle when he looks at Blaine is more magical than any Friday night.

 

**Blame It On the Alcohol/The First Time:**

**_The only thing I should be drinking is a ice cold beer_ **

He hadn't realized that there was alcohol in the punch until it was too late, until after the bottle had been spun and his lips were smashed against strawberry-coated ones that felt somehow wrong even through the haze of alcohol-induced insanity. He’d known that most of everyone else was drunk, but he’d thought that the dark liquid sloshing about in their cups was straight beer so when Puck offered him a glass of punch he took it.

(He should have known from Kurt’s stories not to trust Puck, but at that moment Puck had been one of the few New Directions that had even spoken to him. Blaine’s stupid,  _stupid_  craving for friendship and human kindness had somehow overridden the rational part of his brain)

Now, when Sebastian offers a “friendly” trip to Scandals, he won’t go. He did something incredibly stupid the last time he drank alcohol and he’s not eager to repeat the experience. He’s relieved when Kurt turns Sebastian down so he doesn't have to be rude.

He doesn't want to be near alcohol or Sebastian for any longer than he needs to.

***

A few nights later, letting all but his last wall fall as he and Kurt meet each other in anew experience that he never before thought he'd get to have, he is so, so happy that Kurt said no to Sebastian. He gets to memorize every last plane of Kurt, map out every inch of his skin and absorb his secrets in whispered words of passion. He feels so close to Kurt, closer than he ever thought he'd get to be with someone, and the overwhelming amount of trust Kurt has shared with him leaves him in awe.

Afterward he finds himself humming out a simple tune, tracing an aimless pattern onto Kurt's shoulder as he sleeps. Somehow it turns into him singing quietly as he lays on his side, basking in this feeling of _completeness_.

_I don't quite know_

_How to say_

_How I feel_

_Those three words_

_Are said too much_

_They're not enough_

_If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

He smiles softly as he goes back to just humming, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling in the darkness. How is it possible to feel so wonderful?

 

**I Kissed A Girl:**

_**_It's enough, I've done all I could think of (_ Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same)** _

He's honestly trying. Despite the New Directions treating him like an unwanted interloper and ignoring him, he truly feels for Santana. He knows what it's like to be treated like dirt because of who you love and to be ostracized for something you can't control. He knows what it's like to have the people who should have supported you turn their backs on you (case in point: his parents or the new Directions), and he doesn't want anyone else to have to go through that too.

So he'll participate in Finn's ladies week, even if he doesn't quite approve of how Finn seems to be getting rid of his guilt over forcefully outing Santana without actually doing anything worthwhile. If he can show his support for Santana then he'll go along with it.

Now, what song can he and Kurt do?

***

When Kurt first suggests _F**cking Perfect_  he inwardly balks. How can he sing a song truly if he can't even convince himself of the lyrics? He's an actor, yes, but this song is so personal, the meaning so intimate, and he can't believe it. 

He decides to sing to both Kurt and Santana in the end. Even if he doesn't believe the lyrics for himself he definitely believes them about Kurt.

*** 

Santana's reaction is like a punch to the gut, a slap to the face.

_"That was crap."_

He knows she doesn't mean it, that she's just mad at the world, that she didn't mean-

" _You're worthless."_

Blaine toes off his shoes and sinks onto his bed, curling up into a small ball as he cries in the darkness and silence of his room.

(He's worthless, he can't do _anything_ right.)

_-_

A few days later Kurt comes bounding over to him before school, a blinding smile on his face. "Guess what?" He bursts out to Blaine's pleasant bewilderment. Just yesterday Blaine had been consoling Kurt about the election results and now he's a ball of happiness? That's more than a bit of a turnabout.

"Dad said last night that mom would have loved you."

Blaine's jaw drops. _What_? That- that's just not possible. Blaine knows how much Kathryn Hummel meant to Kurt and Burt, how much his boyfriend looks up to his later mother. Kathryn Hummel is practically a legend, and to get that kind of endorsement from Burt he would have had to have done something spectacular. 

To put it simply, Blaine has absolutely no idea what he possibly could have done to earn that kind of approval.

"Really?" He asks, only managing to conceal part of his surprise. 

Kurt nods. "Apparently he saw us yesterday after we fell asleep on the couch yesterday. He says that anyone who would help me put and comfort me like that my mom would approve."

Blaine smiles, and he doesn't have to fake it. "It was nothing."

"You're being too modest," Kurt says. "You're wonderful."

"So're you, " Blaine replies.

**Hold Onto Sixteen:**

_**Change the voices in your head (** **make them like you instead)** _

“I can’t do it,” Blaine says, staring at the sheet music and the calculus homework in front of him. There’s  _so much_  he’s expected to do. He puts down his pencil and rubs his eyes. It’s just so hard at school lately, with Finn being so cold and the rest of the New Directions (except Kurt, of course) basically following his lead. He’s used to balancing schoolwork and bullying, but he never expected having to deal with it from people who are supposed to be on his side. Getting the cold shoulder from the New Directions in addition to being called “fag” and "cocksucker" by the football players that are left after Karofsky transferred really hurts. His parents have picked up on his emotional vulnerability now as well- the sheer barrage of insults has just been piling up day after wretched day since he transferred.

Tomorrow, he comes into school to find Sam advising the New Directions to sexualize their performance. And it really fucking hurts to see them all jumping right into the idea when he's been here the _entire time_ and they openly give him the cold shoulder, leaving him more open and vulnerable for other bullies to come in and hurt him more.

So he snaps.

He's only human- of course he reaches a breaking point. He shouts back at Sam, and it's _ugly_.

"I'M NOT FOR SALE!" It's not Sam, really, that he's mad at. It's the New Directions, who he practices with and gave up safety and Dalton for and who don't ever offer a word of gratitude. Sam might be a great guy and undeserving of such an outburst, but everyone else in this room is not. They step all over him, push him down every time he attempts to help, and treat him like he'll betray them any moment when all he's ever done is _try to help_. 

He stands there for a moment, breathing heavily, before turning on his heel and running out. 

***

He's boxing, relieving the stress and tension in his muscles, when the door opens. He doesn't notice it at first, so focused on the rhythmic one-two, one-two punches, but when Finn says, "That was vicious," he startles, turning around and panting from exertion.

"Of course it was vicious," he spits out, exhaustion pulling honesty from him, "I was  _pissed_."

Finn looks genuinely surprised, leaning back against the wall of the locker room. "Pissed about what?"

"You guys treat me like shit, Finn, like I'm not worthy to wipe the dirt off your shoes, of course I'm going to be resentful." Finn blanches, but Blaine just keeps going. He's on a roll now, his usual careful filter gone. "You ignore me when I try to help and pass me over for  _any_ roles except for background singer without giving me a chance to try. Do you know how that feels? Do you know what it's like when the only people that you thought you could count on turn their backs on you and leave you to the dogs?"

"We treated you like that?" Finn asks quietly. Blaine nods in affirmation. "I-I didn't notice."

"Just like you 'didn't notice' when Kurt was being harassed by Karofsky last year?" Blaine asks, then freezes. It just popped out- he didn't even realize he was going to say it until it happened. He waits nervously for Finn to respond, watching for the inevitable backlash as the giant New Directions captain frowns.

He doesn't expect, however, the defeated sigh and the answer he gets. "Yeah, man, I'm sorry. I guess I was just jealous. I mean, you've stolen my brother and now your talent is going to steal the Glee club from me. I don't know what I'm going to do without it."

Blaine gapes at Finn. He almost wants to snap at him, to make a snarky Kurt-like comment about how Finn had let a little petty jealousy nearly destroy Blaine's life, but he doesn't. That's not how Blaine works. Politeness wins out now that he's not so exhausted, now that his mind is focused on the conversation. He smiles at Finn. "I understand." And he kind of does, even if he doesn't like how Finn handled it. He knows what it's like to want to be accepted, to want people to like him. "But that doesn't mean I would ever make someone else feel like that, especially since I know what it's like to be on the bottom of the pile, to be the misfit and the outcast." When Finn opens his mouth to speak Blaine shakes his head ever so slightly. "Thanks for apologizing, Finn, but we've got work to do." _  
_

He cleans himself up and heads back to glee with Finn, a smile on his face and encouragement upon his lips, but underneath he still resents the New Directions for how they've treated him. Even when they begin to slowly, oh so slowly, warm up to him and act kinder, a current of uncertainty runs through him.

It's hard to trust someone when they've spent so long kicking you down.

_When I was seventeen I did what people told me_

_I did what my father said and let my mother mold me_

_But that was long ago_

_Now I'm in control_

**Extraordinary Merry Christmas:**

**_Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated (Look I'm still around)_ **

It's Christmas Eve and so Blaine tries to hold onto the feeling of warmth and inclusion as he heads to his house after their trip to the homeless shelter, but when he gets home and remembers that his parents are gone all winter break on the annual family trip (that he's not allowed to go on so he can't "fag it up") and that warm feeling begins to disappear.

He gets out of his car, walks up to the door, and unlocks the house. He walks into the dim front hallway and flicks on the light switch, illuminating the living room and the lack of a tree. They haven't gotten one since he was six- his father says that it's a waste of money and there was no need for a tree when Blaine was the only one there.

(No need to waste a tree on a _waste of space._ )

Blaine's used to it, trust him, but he just was at the Hummel-Hudsons' yesterday and the memory of their beautiful tree, covered in strands of mixed lights, hand-me-down tinsel, golden trinkets collected from family vacations, glued-together ornaments made by Kurt and Finn when they were school-kids, and a star tree-topper that Kurt said was made by his mother in the last year before she died, makes him stand in the front hallway and stare. He doesn't cry, but he comes close. He stares at his darkened house, not a sign of holiday cheer to be seen, and a lump grows in his throat.

His phone rings unexpectedly, the sound of  _Blackbird_ piercing the air, and he grabs it out of his coat pocket. He plops down onto the chair on the side of the hallway, his legs giving out from underneath of him, and clicks at the answer button.

"Hi, Kurt," he says, trying to keep his voice chipper, "What's up?"

"What's up with _you_ , Blaine?" Kurt returns, "Something's not right. You seem...sad."

Blaine blinks- he wasn't expecting that. He decides to tell a truth, even if it isn't the full truth. "My parents are gone for Christmas. I couldn't go because-" _my family doesn't want me_ "-I had the Christmas special. I'm just a little lonely, that's all."

"Then why didn't you say so?" Kurt asks, "My family would love to have you over for Christmas!"

Blaine's eyes go wide. "Wait, really?" He sputters.

"Yeah. Sam's gone back to Kentucky with Rory for Christmas so we have room. You'll have to deal with Rachel tonight, but tomorrow morning she'll be gone."

"Tomorrow morning? You mean I can stay the night?"

"Oh, yeah. Got ahead of myself for a minute. Give me just a second." Kurt's voice leaves the line and a moment later Blaine hears muffled shouting. He holds his breath until Kurt steps back a moment later and says, "Yeah, Dad says you can stay the night as long as you sleep in Finn's room. Finn's okay with it if you are."

"Of course I am," Blaine says, "When can I come over? And should I bring presents?" For a moment he silently thanks the fact that his parents let him have his own credit card that they pay off as long as they don't have to deal with his problems.

"Only if you want to."

Blaine stands up. "I'll be there in a minute." Then he pauses. "Wait, give me ten minutes. I'm going to pick up presents for your family on my way over."

"And none for me?" Kurt asks facetiously, and Blaine can practically see him smirking.

"I already got you one, remember?" Blaine says with a smile, remembering what had happened in the hallway a few days ago.

_"To always love you. To defend you, even if I know you're wrong. To surprise you. To always pick up your phone call, no matter what I'm doing. To bake you cookies at least twice a year. To kiss you wherever and whenever you want. But mostly just to make sure that you remember how perfectly imperfect you are."_

"Of course I do," Kurt says, voice a bit dreamy, "You're amazing, Blaine, you know that, right?"

Blaine's breath catches in his throat as he steps out the door. No one tells him he's amazing. No one even tells him he's good at something. He chuckles to cover up his surprise and says, "Of course." _Thanks to you._

**Yes/No:**

_**Miss "No way, it's all good" (It didn't slow me down)** _

Everyone's running about, scrambling for a way for Mr. Schue to propose, and Blaine can tell that Kurt is really into it this week. Apparently weddings excite him, and Blaine isn't surprised by this.

What he is surprised about is how he himself reacts to the situation. He lets himself, in a few guarded moments at home this week, fantasize about his own wedding, and he makes a few startling revelations:

One, that he can actually picture his own wedding for the first time ever.

Two, it's beautiful.

And three, the man standing at the altar (or in from of the justice of peace, because there can't exactly be a gay wedding in a church) next to him is Kurt.

It blows Blaine away that he can already feel this way this early in a relationship, but then again this is a relationship with  _Kurt Hummel_ , who he has most definitely fallen in love with over the past year. 

_It’s the way I’m feeling_

_I just can’t deny_

As they synchronize-swim to Santana and Rachel's singing Blaine realizes two more things:

One, none of them are coordinated enough to pull this off properly.

And two, that this tentative fantasy of his, this image of his own wedding and proposal, is probably the most beautiful thing he's ever encountered before. It's so hopeful, so pristine, so untouchable.

It's something beautiful, and it's _his_.

_But I’ve gotta let it go_

_We found love in a hopeless place_

As everyone swims back to sides of the pool after Ms. Pillsbury says yes, Blaine stays in the water and swims lazily around, his thoughts striking him hard.

"You planning on getting out anytime soon?" He hears Kurt's lilting voice call out, lightly teasing him, and Blaine looks up to see Kurt smiling at him, wrapped in a bathrobe with his hair still carefully tucked up under a cap. Everyone's in the locker rooms by now and it's just the two of them. 

"Nah," he says with a grin, "I'd rather stay in here all day."

"If you stay in there all day you'll get pruny," Kurt teases.

Blaine nods and starts swimming towards Kurt. "Can't have that, can we?"

"No we can't," Kurt smiles back. "After all, making out won't be as much fun when you're all wet and wrinkly."

Blaine speeds up a little as Kurt giggles.

**Michael:**

_**Dug my way out, blood and fire (Bad decisions, that's alright)** _

_You know (Really, really bad)_

_And the whole world has to_

_Answer right now_

_Just to tell you once again:_

_Who's bad?_

When he gets slushied, lances of agony traveling behind his eyes and hurting like nothing he's ever felt before, his first thought is  _no hospital._

He falls to the floor, writhing in pain, and that's the only thing he can concentrate on.

_No hospital,_

_No hospital,_

**_No hospital._ **

Blaine  _hates_ hospitals. Not only due to his Sadie Hawkins experience, but also because the only relative who's ever treated him like he wasn't the scum of the earth- his mom's aunt Roberta- died in a hospital filled with a staff that referred to him by gay slurs every time he came to visit her.

He can't end up there in that place again- that place where the people who are supposed to help, people like his parents and the staff at the hospital and the New Directions themselves, hurt rather than heal him.

He sees Kurt's blurry form bent over top of him and somehow manages to choke out, "No hospital. Please, no hospital."

"Honey," Kurt says worriedly, "We have to take you there. There's something wrong with your eye."

"No!" It is the only thing he can focus on, even though his body is trembling like a leaf from the pain his head is in. "No, please, no!"

"Okay, okay, fine, but we have to take you somewhere. Will Carole work?"

Blaine tries to nod but that send a new wave of pain through his head and for a moment his vision goes black as he screams from the pain.

Then he's back, and it's to both Kurt and Finn's worried faces swimming above him. "Bro, he sounds really bad," Finn's voice says as someone helps him sit up.

"I know," Kurt says, voice shaking, "But he won't go to the hospital. Just help me get him out to the car." 

"Okay."

 

**The Spanish Teacher:**

_**So cool in lying and we try, try, try (But we try too hard)** _

Blaine drives up to the Hummel-Hudson house that Friday a little earlier usual, ignoring the slight pain behind his eye and the fact that one eye is covered by an eyepatch. He can't handle one more moment of lying around in his parents' oppressive house, where the suffocating feeling of uselessness hung over him. He knows that Carole is here before Finn and Kurt get home from school and he hopes he can help set up dinner so he doesn't feel so _damn_ useless. 

He goes up to the door and knocks, stuffing his hands in his pockets to keep them warm while he waits. Carole opens the door with a disapproving look on her face but a smile in her eyes. "You shouldn't have driven here alone, Blaine," Carole scolds him but then leans forward and gives a him a quick hug before gesturing him into the house. Blaine tries to imprint the feeling of being hugged by someone other than Kurt, relishing it as much as he does every Friday when he gets a hug from either Burt or Carole. 

He steps in and finds himself swept into helping Carole make dinner, which since he can only bake (can't cook to save his life) mostly turns into making pie for after dinner. Carole keeps checking up on him, making sure that he doesn't over exert himself, but otherwise they just chat and he gets to feel accepted for a few hours.

Later when Kurt gets home he scolds him about driving with his eye but then drops the subject and kisses it better. Then he heads into the kitchen to help Carole cook and since by this point Blaine is now useless in the kitchen he heads out to the living room where Finn and Burt watching football. He sits down on the end of the sofa away from Finn, careful not to jostle his head. If he hurts his head again Kurt will make him go back to the hospital for another surgery and he just can't handle that right now. It hurts too much to go there, to face people like those who treated his Aunt Roberta.

"So, Blaine, how is your eye doing?" Burt asks, and his question dispels Blaine's dark thoughts. It always helps out to hear people who seem so genuinely interested in him and what he has to say, even if he knows deep inside that none of them actually love him besides Kurt. They're all nice people, don't get him wrong, and he suspects that do truly care in their own way, but he knows that if it hadn't been for Kurt they wouldn't have paid him a second glance. Still, they treat him like a member of the family and that's more than he can say for his parents. He still doesn't understand why they've accepted him so easily, why it just seems natural for him to show up to Friday night dinners. The Hummel-Hudsons don't even ask anymore- Carole just automatically sets out a fifth spot at the table whenever Blaine doesn't show up early to help set up. Kurt's family is just pretty amazing like that.

"It's doing fine, thank you, Mr. Hummel," Blaine says.

"I've told you a million times, kid, just call me Burt," Burt scolds Blaine, but Blaine can tell he's just teasing him. No matter how many times Burt reminds him he still never calls him Burt. 'Burt' is too familiar- 'Mr. Hummel' maintains the distance between the two of them. 

In the back of his mind, a little voice wonders what will happen when Kurt goes to New York, when he'll have no excuse to come to the Hummel-Hudson house for dinner. No more of Burt's familial teasing, no more hanging out with Finn watching football, no more baking with Carole.

It's a dismal picture. 

 

**On My Way:**

**_Welcome to my silly life (mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood)_ **

He's almost out the door on his way to Regionals, images of Karofsky on his hospital bed swirling through his head and the resolve to help him coursing through his veins, when his father stops him.

"You going to some party, fag?" He asks from his ever-constant place in the living room, looking over the top of his laptop. He looks pointedly at the dry-cleaning bag hanging from Blaine's arm that contains his suit for the wedding that's going to take place after Regionals.

"No, sir," Blaine says, hand on the door, "A wedding."

Blaine's father laughs dryly. "And who would want a fag like you ruining their wedding?"

"A friend," Blaine says, swallowing back the lump his father's words form in his throat. _Future brother-in-law_ is what he might have said, in another place at another time, but no now.

His father  _harrumph_ s _._ "I'm glad your brother isn't getting married anytime soon, or else we'd be forced to be seen with you in public. You're an abomination. You don't belong at a wedding. You don't belong _anywhere_."

Blaine nods hurriedly, then turns and runs out to his car. He quickly hangs up the dry-cleaning in the back. Then he gets in and puts the keys in the ignition but before he starts it he lets his head hang forward, dropping to the steering wheel. He tries to breathe, to choke back the tears that threaten to engulf him.

He tries not to think about his father's words, about being an _abomination_  and not belonging, and instead focus on Regionals. There are people with worse problems than him, people committing suicide and self-harming and he's fine, he's _okay_ , he just needs to _keep_ _calm_.

He tries humming desperately in between harsh breaths, his humming eventually devolving into quiet singing as humming turns out not to be enough.

_Me, me, me against them_

_Me against enemies, me against friends_

_Somehow they both seem to become one_

_A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood_

_They start coming and I start rising_

It takes a minute to get his breathing back under control but eventually he accomplishes it. Then he turns on his car with shaking hands and drives out onto the road.

_I hear the criticism loud and clear_

_That is how I know that the time is near_

_See we become alive in a time of fear_

_And I ain't got no motherfickle time to spare_

_Cry my eyes out for days upon days_

_Such a heavy burden placed upon me_

 

**Big Brother:  
**

_**Done looking for the critics (‘cause they’re everywhere)** _

Watching his brother going on and on to his friends, supporting them and trying to help them as he never did for Blaine, is one of the hardest things Blaine's ever done. For years Cooper never returned, even knowing full well what Blaine was going through because of their parents, but not once did he come back to help Blaine or encourage him to be himself. Not once did Cooper tell Blaine that he was perfectly fine just the way he was.

He comes so close to making it through the session, his hand in Kurt's keeping him grounded, but when Cooper blows him off when he tries to make the tiniest suggestion he ends up losing it. He rises up out of his seat, fury overwhelming his filters, and for a moment he just lets go. 

"Why can't you just support me?" He nearly shouts, and everyone turns and stares at him. He knows he is normally one of the most drama-free people in the glee club (save for that one time he went off on Sam, but most of glee seems to consider that a thing of the past by now since he and Sam have become good friends) so this is shocking for them. Cooper turns to look at him and swallows nervously. He knows the underlying meaning behind Blaine's question, knows exactly how Blaine has no one in their family who supports him.

And he _doesn't say anything_.

Blaine doesn't cry- he never cries in front of other people, even over things that deserve his tears. And Cooper not giving him help him when he needs it- well, that's not new. That’s not worth crying over. He's used to it, used to Cooper not supporting him and running away when he needs help.

He sits down heavily in his seat, avoiding Kurt's concerned gaze, and doesn't say anything else for the rest of Cooper's 'session'.

He has no idea why he even asked this time around.

 

**Dance With Somebody:**

_**If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing (you're fucking perfect to me)** _

It starts with Kurt’s innocent comment about Mike’s abs. It shouldn’t bother Blaine- he’s heard Kurt say similar things many times before- but then that night his parents comment on how ugly he is, and "how do you expect to entertain that sick boy of yours if you're so flabby?"

Blaine heads to his room that night, mind stuttering over everything he's heard that day, every way that Cooper ignored him last week, and it's just _too much_.

The next day he skips breakfast, instead choosing to head to school a few minutes early to box in the locker room before classes start.

Losing a few pounds can't hurt, right?

*

When he steps onto the scale the next day, he notices with a somewhat sour taste of victory that he’s down a little. He’s happy with that, happy with this tiny little victory until he steps in front of the mirror shirtless before bed and notices his flabby stomach. He swallows hard and resolves to go in earlier tomorrow, to box away the soft flab and replace it with firm muscle.

*

Blaine's crumbling apart, and his weight, the shape of his body, is finally something he can control.

*

He starts avoiding Kurt. Not ignoring him or anything, just...not spending as much time with him.

(He doesn't want Kurt to see him in this state.)

*

He’s not shaping up, losing weight, fast enough. He begins vomiting, forcing up his food.

Vomit's an interesting color, he notices since he's spending so much time staring into a toilet lately. All those oranges and beiges...why is it always orange and beige no matter what he eats?

*

It's Whitney week. Blaine hasn't paid much attention to the performances, too focused on his weight problem to listen to everyone's no doubt predictable renditions, but when Kurt walks up to the microphone he straightens. He's always interested in watching his boyfriend perform, even when he himself feels like shit.

_Share my life_

_Take me for what I am_

_'Cause I'll never change_

_All my colors for you_

Blaine frowns. He doesn't quite understand why Kurt is singing this song. He hasn't made Kurt change, hasn't had him do anything he wouldn't-

_Take my love_

_I'll never ask for too much_

_Just all that you are_

_And everything that you do_

Okay, that's a little uncomfortable. He shifts a little in his seat. He _has_ been avoiding Kurt for the past week, but all he wants to do is be _better_ , make himself more _worthy_ -

_Don't make me close one more door_

_I don't want to hurt anymore_

_Stay in my arms if you dare_

_Or must I imagine you there_

By now Blaine's tearing up, the gnawing pain in his stomach adding in chorus to Kurt's voice, anguished and asking him why he hasn't been here.

_Don't walk away from me_

_I have nothing, nothing, nothing_

_If I don't have you, you, you, you, you_

Now he's genuinely crying, tears falling silently down his face.

*

Then, later that afternoon when they're making out (the song hasn't been discussed yet), Kurt touches the skin near his hip (all Blaine can think is _so flabby, not sexy, not **good enough**_ ) and Blaine flinches away. Kurt frowns. "Honey, what's wrong?" He asks, voice concerned, glasz eyes wide.

Of course he's noticed.

"I-I-" He stumbles, not knowing how to explain. Big mistake.

Kurt leans back against the couch and takes Blaine's hands in his. Blaine looks down at them, unwilling to meet Kurt's eyes. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" Kurt asks.

Blaine nods, and swallows nervously. He doesn't look up at Kurt as he begins to talk quietly, focusing on getting each word out. "I wanted to be perfect for you, Kurt. You deserve the best, and I want to look the best for you. I know how much you care about that and I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to be worth _you_."

He finally looks up and finds Kurt with a distinct look of nausea on his face. "You thought I...?" Kurt mumbles, voice shocked. He seems unable to say anything, unable to even finish a sentence. "I...Blaine, you thought I wanted you to hurt yourself like this? Shit, Blaine, what did I do wrong?”

Blaine frowns, a bit confused. “What do you mean? I’m not hurting myself. It’s just a few pounds. It’s not that bad.”

Kurt frowns. "Blaine, this is hurting you. Not just physically (even though it obviously is, you look so pale), but you've been avoiding me. When have I ever made you feel like you needed to avoid me?  _Why_ did you feel you needed to avoid me, to change yourself somehow when you're perfectly imperfect just the way you are?"

"You're beautiful, Kurt," Blaine says, "I just wanted to be like that, confident about the way I looked, you know?” His hands tremble in Kurt’s grasp and he can’t help thinking that he’ll never get to that level of confidence, even if he can get to that ideal body shape. It's not the way he looks that keeps him from that ideal- it's his parents constantly reinforcing his worthlessness. 

Kurt leans forward and pulls Blaine into his arms. Blaine finds himself with his head laying on Kurt's shoulder and he wraps his arms around Kurt as Kurt tucks his head on top of Blaine's. Blaine automatically snuggles into Kurt's embrace, drawing comfort from Kurt's warm arms.

" _You_ are beautiful, Blaine," Kurt says firmly. "You are perfect just the way you are. If I ever made you feel like you were anything but I am so, _so_ sorry."

The words 'it wasn't you' get stuck in his throat. How can he tell Kurt about his parents, about how they made him feel insecure about himself and his body far before he ever met Kurt? That a comment Kurt made was only the spark that lit the powder keg, not the entire bomb itself? 

"Okay," is what he eventually says, voice trembling. He can't think of anything else to say, but for now that will have to suffice. 

*

The next week Mr. Schue gives them an easy assignment. He walks up to the board and grins at them. "Okay, guys, I know Prom is next week and you all are performing so this week your only assignment is to sing a song with a partner that you think applies to your life right now. And it's optional, so only sing if you feel the urge."

Everyone cheers, thankful to have such an open-ended assignment for once. Blaine ignores Rachel as she turns around in front of him, babbling at high-speed and volume to Finn about the song she wants them to sing, instead focusing on Kurt as he turns to Blaine and smiles. "Do you have any ideas, honey?"

"Actually, yes," Blaine says with a smile, and pulls a piece of sheet music out of his satchel. He's been carrying this around since the beginning of the school year, just waiting for the right moment to use it. The paper's a little worn, crinkled around the edges from so many times reading it, but he thinks it's perfect for now.

Kurt scans the lyrics with a practiced eye and nods. He gives Blaine a smile. "I like it."

*

The next day Rachel pulls Finn up to the front to sing _Good Life_ by OneRepublic, and Blaine grounds his shaking hands in his lap. He nearly forewent food at lunch today, feeling unexpectedly nervous over today's performance. Today's performance will be honest and the prospect of letting people know that a song is the truth scares him like nothing else. He only ate lunch because he knew Kurt was watching and he didn't want to scare his boyfriend.

He looks up and catches Kurt looking over at him. He smiles at Kurt and wipes his hands against his yellow jeans before reaching over to take his boyfriend's hand. Kurt smiles back at him and Blaine's frayed nerves are soothed for just a minute, at least until the end of Finn and Rachel's duet.

Then, when Mr. Schue asks for volunteers to go next, Blaine lets Kurt pull him up to the front of the choir room. He lets go of Kurt's hand to grab a microphone, and then lets Kurt introduce the song. Kurt begins singing, and then Blaine follows.

 

_Kurt_

_Do you ever feel like breaking down?_

_Do you ever feel out of place,_

_Like somehow you just don't belong_

_And no one understands you?_

 

_ Blaine _

_Do you ever wanna run away?_

_Do you lock yourself in your room_

_With the radio on turned up so loud_

_That no one hears you're screaming?_

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_When nothing feels all right_

_You don't know what it's like_

 

_Both_

_To be like me_

_To be hurt_

_To feel lost_

_To be left out in the dark_

_To be kicked when you're down_

_To feel like you've been pushed around_

_To be on the edge of breaking down_

_And no one's there to save you_

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_Welcome to my life_

 

_Kurt_

_Do you wanna be somebody else?_

_Are you sick of feeling so left out?_

_Are you desperate to find something more_

_Before your life is over?_

_Are you stuck inside a world you hate?_

_Are you sick of everyone around?_

 

_Blaine_

_With their big fake smiles and stupid lies_

_While deep inside you're bleeding_

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_When nothing feels all right_

_You don't know what it's like_

 

_Both_

_To be like me_

_To be hurt_

_To feel lost_

_To be left out in the dark_

_To be kicked when you're down_

_To feel like you've been pushed around_

_To be on the edge of breaking down_

_And no one's there to save you_

_No you don't know what it's like_

_Welcome to my life_

_Welcome to my life_

_Welcome to my life_

 

**Promasaurus:**

**_You're so mean when you talk about yourself (you were wrong)_ **

Kurt and Rachel are going to leave.

_Kurt is going to leave me._

Blaine is going to be left behind  _again._

_I hope you know, I hope you know_

_That this has nothing to do with you_

_It's personal, myself and I_

_We've got some straightening out to do_

This realization hits him hard as they sing, as Kurt promises that him leaving has nothing to do with Blaine. Kurt and Rachel are smiling as the sing, smiles that Blaine supposes are supposed to be reassuring. They're not, though. All he can think as they sing is that he's being left behind, that Kurt's going to go and he's going to be nothing but the high-school sweetheart, left behind in the dust.

A thread of uncertainty weaves its way into Blaine's heart as the song goes on, but then they get to the part where Kurt takes over, singing about best friends and valentines while staring at Blaine with a loving look on his face. The knot in Blaine's chest loosens for just a moment as he smiles back at Kurt, imagining what it would be like to be able to hold onto Kurt and keep him forever.

(Even though the voice in the back of Blaine's head tells him that's not possible)

_Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to_

_Cause I want to hold yours_

_Too_

_We'll be playmates and lovers_

_And share our secret worlds_

_I love you,_ he thinks, and somehow that makes him both happy and sad at the same time. It's bittersweet, isn't it, this song about loving and letting go?

He'll have to do it to Kurt one day.

***

Blaine comes out of the bathroom, curls springing free, hands shaking at his sides. He can’t believe he has to do this, has to go in there and let the whole world see how true his parents’ words are.

 _Ugly_.

He’s always been careful not to let anyone see his hair. He’s certain no one knows this is the clean, cool, controlled image he struggles to project. Well, that will be ruined as soon as he steps in there. Then, everyone will know the truth.

For a moment he’s tempted to run, but he can’t leave Kurt in there. If he runs, then he’ll _definitely_ be the worst boyfriend ever.

He walks into the gym and tries to ignore the stares of the couples dancing around him as they see his head of Medusa-like hair. He focuses solely on Kurt, who is standing next to Brittany as handsome as ever.

"Hi," he says quietly once he approaches them, and Kurt turns and stares.

"Oh dear god," Kurt says, hands flying to his mouth, and that's a heavy blow to Blaine's self-esteem.

"I-Is it really that bad?" he asks miserably.

"Uhh, yeah, you're Mr. Broccoli-Head," Brittany says, unwittingly driving the point in harder.  _Ugly. Not fit. Worthless._  "You made your point. I abused my powers as president; but to help save the prom and keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I'll give you special permission-"

 _Oh thank god,_ Blaine thinks, and turns and walks away, heading to the bathroom to reapply the gel. Maybe he can erase this, make this better, go back to being Kurt's suave, collected boyfriend-

"Wait," Kurt says, grabbing his arm, and Blaine turns back around, bewildered, "There's no need for that. There's nothing wrong. You look great- I was just surprised. I think you're brave coming out like that when you're clearly uncomfortable."

Tears prick the corners of Blaine's eyes and he swallows, trying to dissolve the lump of emotion forming in his throat. "Really?"

Kurt nods, a brilliant smile forming on his face. "That was wonderful, Blaine. Even though you seem to be unaware of the fact that without the gel you're just as handsome, maybe even more. You are my beautiful, bushy-haired, perfectly imperfect boyfriend and I couldn't be happier."

Blaine glances around, finds no one watching except Brittany, leans in, and kisses his boyfriend. Kurt seems surprised, but he grins anyway. "I love you so much," Blaine says with a smile.

"I love you too, honey. Now, let's go dance."

That night Blaine will go home with a smile on his face and for once nothing his parents will say will be able to bring him down. The next day everything will return to normal, but for now he'll fall into bed with a smile on his face, not caring about what his parents can say. For now he is Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel's 'beautiful, bushy-haired, perfectly imperfect boyfriend' and nothing can bring him down.

**Props:**

_**Filled with so much hatred (**_ _**Such a tired game)** _

When Kurt gets out of the meeting with Sue and Mercedes he heads straight to his boyfriend and tells him everything that happened- Unique's success and Sue's plans for 'Porcelina'. Blaine watches his boyfriend rant and sees how Kurt's hands are shaking as he talks, the uncertainty hiding under the disgust. Blaine recognizes the way Kurt is doubting himself right now because it's what he sees every time he looks in a mirror. It's rattling to see his confident boyfriend so full of self-doubt especially considering that the last time Kurt was this uncertain about himself was when the stuff with Karofsky happened last year.

He comforts Kurt then and there, reassuring him that he doesn't see him in such a feminine way, but he continues watching. Their trip to the mall is pretty uneventful until Tina falls into the fountain, Kurt acting like his normal self, but Blaine notices how Kurt's just a beat off, not as ready to make split-second decisions about clothes. It's not that bad, he  _could_ just be having an off day, but when they get back to school the next day and Sue starts insisting that Kurt dress up as 'Porcelina' Kurt goes pale (well, paler than normal) and Blaine knows it's more than that.

Afterward, before they go to the locker room to shower and change, Blaine cuts Kurt off. They pause, staying behind in the choir room while the rest of the kids go on ahead. "Honey, are you okay?" He asks, already knowing that the answer is a resounding _no_.

Kurt shakes his head. "No. It's Sue- she helped me out so much last year but now she's acting like the tyrant she was in sophomore year. She'll do anything to win, even if it means humiliating me on a national level. Unique is her true self, the person that she wants to be inside, when she steps on stage- 'Porcelina' is _not_ who I am inside. I'm Kurt Hummel, gay and proud, but not a cross-dresser."

By this point Kurt is crying, so Blaine steps forward and wraps him in a hug. Kurt sobs into Blaine's shoulder, letting out his frustration from the entire week. "It's okay," Blaine whispers, "She can't make you do that. If you don't feel like cross-dressing on a national stage then you shouldn't. You shouldn't change yourself to make other people happy."

"Neither should you," Kurt mutters, and Blaine's heart clenches.

 

**Nationals: _So complicated (look how big you'll make it)_**

“We’re at Nationals, and we’re going to be singing together, Kurt," Blaine says as he lays stomach down on the hotel bed next to Kurt, legs kicking aimlessly in the air. Their curfew is in ten minutes, at which time Blaine will have to head to the room he's sharing with Quinn, Tina, and Santana. Kurt is staying in this room with Rachel, Brittany, Sugar, and Mercedes. Currently all the girls are in here, the other girls spread around the room. Tina is ever-present at Mercedes' side making sure that she gets better from food-poisoning and Santana and Brittany are in the bathroom doing God knows what.

“Just one line, but yeah, it’s pretty amazing, isn't?" Kurt replies, leaning against the headboard of the bed with his hands behind his head. He grins at Blaine and Mercedes and Tina coo, ruining the moment. Kurt takes a pillow and throws it at them, knocking Tina onto her back.

"Hey, Kurt!" She shouts.

"That's for treating my boyfriend and I like a Saturday sitcom, Tina!" Kurt retorts, but it's obvious he's just teasing. Blaine relishes the light in Kurt's eyes, the light blush in his cheeks that still arises anytime a friend mentions them acting like a couple. It's far different than at the beginning of the school year when no one would look at them with a smile- now everyone (at least in the New Directions) seems to like them together.

Santana pokes her head around the corner. "Yo, hobbit, we've gotta go. Sue's going to come 'round in just a minute and I don't feel like facing her wrath the day before Nationals."

Blaine rolls his eyes but gets up off the bed anyway. “I’m going to head back to the room. Love you, Kurt," Blaine says, and kisses Kurt on the cheek. The girls coo and Kurt grins.

"You'd think that would get old," he says teasingly, and Blaine smiles back.

"Not to me."

 

**Goodbye:**

**_Why do we do that? (_** **_Why do I do that?)_ **

The seniors sing to the underclassmen and Blaine feels...something bloom in his chest. He can't tell whether his heart is breaking or whether a rush of happiness is filling him.

Kurt is going to leave for NYADA this summer and he's going to be left behind in a glee club where the closest friend he has is Sam (and isn't that a surprise considering how they met). He has no idea what he's going to do with Kurt gone- the very idea creates a hole in his chest, a hollow that he doesn't know can be filled. Kurt has become too large, too important a part of his life. Up until now he's managed to avoid thinking about the weight of him leaving, but now it can't be ignored.

_You've got the music in you_

_Don't let go_

_You've got the music in you_

_One dance left_

_This world is gonna pull through_

_Don't give up_

_You've got a reason to live_

_Can't forget_

_We only get what we give_

As he and Kurt pass by each other when the seniors and the underclassmen switch places, hands brushing against each other, he is suddenly filled by the certainty that even without the graduating half the New Directions can still do great things. He may miss Kurt (miss his voice, his passion, his kindness, his snark...) but the world will keep turning.

(He just doesn't know if his heart believes it.)


	3. i lost a friend (somewhere along in the bitterness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This portion is much darker and angstier than the first, and it deals with Blaine early senior year from the first days of school to the moments before his confrontation with his father. Warnings for suicidal thoughts, undiagnosed depression, self-worth issues, disordered eating, purging, and a narrative skewed by Blaine's POV. 
> 
> Spoilers: So yeah, it isn't very pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To get the best feeling for this chapter, pull up Youtube and listen to "Trapdoor" by twenty one pilots. I listened to it while writing this and it sums up this section of the 'verse _scarily_ well as well as providing a very good backdrop to this chapter.
> 
> Title is from "How to Save A Life" by the Fray.
> 
> Songs included are "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson, "Chasing Pavements" by Adele, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears, "The Distance" by Hot Chelle Rae, "The Scientist" by Coldplay, "Blow Me One Last Kiss" by P!nk, "Trapdoor" by twenty one pilots, and "Hopelessly Devoted to You" from Grease.
> 
> Somgs referenced (lyrics not shown) include "Boys/Boyfriend" by Britney Spears and Justin Bieber.

_"How do you feel? That is the question_

_But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer_

_When something like a soul becomes_

_Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes_

_You can't expect a bit of hope_

_So while you're outside looking in_

_Describing what you see_

_Remember what you're staring at is me..."_

_-Stone Sour,_ Through Glass

 

**The New Rachel:**

_**Someday this all will change (it's a temporary pain)** _

When Tina, Brittany, and Unique start arguing about who will be the New Rachel, Blaine sits back next to Sam and watches disinterestedly, thoughts occupied by his upcoming attempt to try and convince Kurt to go to New York.

When they decide on "Call Me Maybe" as their song, he dutifully follows the girls, Sam, and Artie to the auditorium, hands stuffed in his pockets.

_I threw a wish in the well_

_Don't ask me, I'll never tell_

_I looked to you as it fell_

_And now you're in my way_

He hums along with their energetic version of Call Me Maybe, and he doesn't bat an eye when Unique is announced the New Rachel.

*

He had thought he was strong enough to watch as Kurt boarded that plane and left, but inside he’s screaming as Kurt’s arms leaves him and his boyfriend walks off to the plane, smile wide and ready to join Rachel in New York.

Burt turns to him with a smile, and somehow Blaine manages to return it even though he’s dying inside. “He’s finally going to New York,” Burt says, grinning, “Just like he’s always dreamed of.”

Blaine smiles and nods. “I’m excited for him,” he says, and he tries to sound like he hasn’t just sent away the one person who’s ever loved him, told him that he’s worth anything. Apparently he’s a little too good at acting for his own good as Burt stuffs his hands in his pockets and starts walking to the exit.

“C’mon, kiddo,” Burt says, and Blaine follows him out quietly, arms wrapped around himself as if that can keep his heart from aching.

(No one notices his tears.

No ever cares enough to realize that his heart is breaking.)

*

_I'd build myself up,_

_And fly around in circles,_

_Wait then as my heart drops,_

_And my back begins to tingle_

_Finally could this be it or_

After he returns home, he tries to remember this feeling he gets when Kurt hugs and kisses him, when his parents dig into him later that day. It works for the first few days, but eventually the warmth begins to fall away and he's left with just the painful words of his parents. Normally he'd just go over to Kurt's and spend the evening with his wonderful boyfriend and his accepting family, but he no longer has that option. His parents' words, flung into his heart like knives, start sinking deeper and deeper.

And he _does_ try to ignore the hurtful words. Of course he does- he's sane, he knows that it's not healthy to let other people hurt you.

(At least for now.)

_Should I give up,_

_Or should I just keep chasing pavements?_

_Even if it leads nowhere,_

_Or would it be a waste?_

*

Blaine, the boy who has always been told he's not good at anything, who has never been told he's loved, is letting go of his anchor. He's letting go of the one person who makes him feel like a human being, not just a piece of trash.

He's drifting, now, and if anyone notices they don't say a thing.

 

**Brittany 2.0**

_**See your face and speak your name (till then I'll scream into the night)** _

He watches Sam and Artie's rendition of Boys/Boyfriend and actually manages to smile, clapping along with the girls, Jake, and Joe. It's actually quite a good attempt at snapping Brittany out of her funk even if it doesn't work. He's noticed that Brittany seems to be really down lately, and he hopes that the performances this week will help. Kurt told him about the hilarity and fun of the first 'Britney' week and he thinks that maybe this will help Britney.

(Spoiler: it doesn't.)

They come out of the auditorium after being booed off the stage, and Blaine lets Artie go off on Brittany about the sacredness of glee club and how they  _don't lip sync_ without once lifting a finger to stop Artie. He's frustrated with Brittany, too, and for a moment he forgets about his own insecurities and problems. "You can't just let everyone else down," he finds himself saying once Artie finishes, "Your lip-syncing is impacting the New Directions negatively. Even when you're down you can't take out your feelings on the club by nearly ruining everything we've ever worked for."

Because you can't do that- you can't let how you feel damage everyone else.

 

**Makeover**

_**It's like you're living with a ghost (someone you can't hold)  
** _

_It's my own design_

_It's my own remorse_

_Help me to decide_

_Help me make the most_

_Of freedom and of pleasure_

_Nothing ever lasts forever_

When Sam comes up to Blaine and asks if Blaine wants to sing Everybody Wants to Rule the World, he of course accepts and the next day they sing to the New Directions. Sam uses this as a great opportunity to announce his rival presidential campaign against Brittany's.

Artie and Sam decide to run together against Brittany and Tina for Senior Class President, and Blaine volunteers to help his best friend with the campaign (ignoring the voice in his head that says _Sam chose Artie over you, of course he did, Artie's smarter and better than you_ ). Sam readily accepts Blaine's help, grinning at Blaine as he does so. Then he launches into a discussion about the superhero club he wants to start at McKinley and Blaine leans against his locker, taking in the sight of his best friend so excited about a topic that actually interests Blaine too. He smiles, welcoming Sam's enthusiasm and his requests for help organizing the club. 

There's a sense of hope rising in Blaine's chest for once, but then he calls Kurt to talk about it. Kurt ends the call with a quick "I love you" but cuts Blaine's matching reply off. Blaine's left staring at his phone, eyes wide but honestly not that surprised and his heart plummeting.

Kurt's gone, and he's on his way to being forgotten.

_So glad we've almost made it_

_So sad they had to fade it_

It gets a lot easier for his parents' words to get to him now, now that Kurt is slipping away from between his fingers, escaping his already tenuous grasp.

Blaine's far too fragile self-esteem can't handle it, and soon all his brain can hear is  _worthless_  and  _coward_  and  _unintelligent_ in the silencebetween the words his friends speak, in between glee meetings and missed Skype dates.

He knew Kurt was going to move on- he let him go. He _made_ this happen.

(It's his fault.)

The answer to everything comes to him a week after Kurt's missed phone call as he stares at his blank computer screen, waiting for Kurt to log onto Skype.

(It's been an hour since their planned date, and Blaine knows deep down that Kurt won't be logging on tonight.)

He can let Kurt go completely. He can give Kurt the chance he knows Kurt's always dreamed of, a romance of the ages, a fate fit for the magnificent person Kurt is. He can give up his chance for a happy ending in exchange for Kurt’s. He can cut Kurt free, let him go, give him everything he's ever wanted. 

(What does it matter if the prospect breaks Blaine's heart? It's Kurt who matters, not him.)

 

**Pre-The Break Up**

_**I know what it's like to be alone (you're scared and I'm not there)** _

He flies to New York, listening to _the Distance_ on repeat. He sings under his breath, trying not to cry.

(He fails.)

_And just so you know (killing me)_

_The distance is what's killing me (time and space)_

_Time and space have become the enemy (enemy)_

_And what I need is so far away_

_And so it goes (hard to breathe)_

He's going to have to lie to Kurt. He's going to have to watch and do nothing as Kurt breaks up with him, as he moves on to bigger and better things than his worthless, never-going-to-amount to anything high school boyfriend. He's going to stand there and let- no, make- his heart shatter.

"Are you okay?" The old woman sitting next to him asks, and he realizes that tears have begun to fall down his cheeks.

He nods, wiping off his cheeks with his coat sleeve. "Yes, ma'am," he says, lying through his teeth, "I'm fine."

_I have to be._

 

**Post-The Break Up**

**_You've got my world tonight (and I miss you)_ **

He slips out the apartment around three the morning, unwilling to remain in a room with his (ex) boyfriend any longer. He hurriedly gets dressed, throwing his pajamas into his satchel (of course Kurt remembered to have a pair of pajamas for him in the apartment, _of course_ he did, that's just the kind of thing Kurt does), and shrugs on his coat. He pauses at the door and looks back at Kurt for the last time, taking in the planes of his beautiful face and the tear tracks drying on them.

(He doesn't lean down and kiss him goodbye, no matter how much he aches to- he doesn’t have the right.)

_Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions_

_Oh let's go back to the start_

_Running in circles, coming up tails_

_Heads on a science apart_

He flies back to Ohio, the taste of stomach acid on his lips and the weight of broken hearts on his shoulders. _The Scientist_ comes on his playlist and he can't help but admire the appropriateness of it.

_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me_

_Oh and I rush to the start_

He returns home and tells his father, "I broke up with Kurt, father."

His father's exact words are, "Good riddance. Seems like you're giving up your whore ways at least for now."

He doesn't sleep well that night, laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

He doesn't cry- he did enough of that last night, but nausea roils in his stomach and he hums along to the song he plays over and over on his phone, his emotions stuck in a never-ending loop.

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh take me back to the start_

He can't go back to the start, no matter how much he may want to. There's no breaking something and then returning it to its original state, pristine and untouchable.

He'd been naive to think he could ever have his happy ending.

He'd been naive to think he could ever find love.

 

**The Role You Were Born To Play:**

**_The distance makes it hard to breathe (my heart won't let go easily)_**

It hurts.

_Clenched shut jaw_

_I've got another headache again tonight_

_Eyes on fire, eyes on fire_

_And they burn from all the tears_

_I've been crying, I've been crying_

_I've been dying over you_

Blaine sits there in back of the auditorium as Marley and Unique absolutely  **kill** _Blow Me (One Last Kiss)_. Everyone else sits up near the front but Blaine sits in the back, only half paying attention.

_I think that life's too short for this_

_I want back my ignorance and bliss_

_I think I've had enough of this_

_Blow me one last kiss_

His center of gravity is gone. Now that Kurt's broken up with him the rest of the New Directions don't care about Blaine. He'd seen it coming, called it by a long shot, and yet somehow it still manages to hurt. Finn, who accepted Blaine into his house last year, Sam, his best friend, and Tina, always one of the more accepting New Directions, all seem to be ignoring him. He deserves it, he knows- in their minds he cheated on Kurt and even if the cheating bit isn't true he made this happen. He lied and he is the only one to blame.

_Just when it can't get worse_

_I've had a shit day_

He deserves it, deserves their anger and frustration. It's all his fault.

Blaine knew when he put himself on that airplane to New York that even if anyone liked him when he went, no one would like him when he came back.

_You will pay for your sins_

_You'll be sorry, my dear_

_All the lies, all the whys_

_Will all be crystal clear_

Before they even finish he throws on his satchel and slips out of the auditorium, the echoes of music fading away to be replaced by the heavy sounds of his footfalls.

Maybe it'll get easier to breathe if he gets away from the place so many good memories happened, a place that only holds broken hearts and misery for him now.

(It doesn't- it still hurts to _live_.)

*

_He thinks that faith might be dead_

_Nothing kills a man faster than his own head_

_He used to see dreams at night_

_But now he's just watching the backs of his eyes_

Blaine’s arms tremble as he finds himself hovering over the toilet, puking again. He can’t stop, it seems- he’s found himself here, kneeling on the cold bathroom tiles, every night since he returned from New York. His hands shake in their positions holding onto either side of the porcelain bowl and he stares at the yellow and orange sludge at the bottom of the bowl before his throat convulses again and acid floods out of his mouth. He can practically feel the acid etching its way up his throat and over his teeth, and somehow that pain and damage feels good, almost like penance for what he’s done.

(He’s not worth crying about. He’s not worth a constant ache in his stomach, not worth the gnawing of constant hunger. Kurt is, though. Penance is.) 

He remembers last year when he was bent over this same toilet and Kurt had told him that he didn’t have to hurt himself like this, that he didn’t want Blaine to hurt himself like this. Well, Blaine’s sure that if Kurt saw him now he’d agree with Blaine that Blaine deserves this. Blaine sobs a little, remembering how comforting Kurt had been, how the first time Blaine had felt the need to vomit up his food, to become better, Kurt had sat him down, hugged him, and called him beautiful.

(No more.)

Blaine is not beautiful anymore.

(Was he _ever_?)

_Take me out and finish this waste of life_

_Everyone gather around for a show_

_Watch as this man disappears as we know_

_Do me a favor and try to ignore  
_

_When you watch him fall through a bleeding trapdoor_

_Cause nobody knows he's alive_

Blaine is ugly, he can’t do anything right. He can’t do anything except cause people pain (himself included). Worse than worthless, then.

( _Self-destructive_ is the word his mind drags out of the dark fathoms of his heart.)

Blaine stares at the puke splattered across the bottom of the toilet bowl and sobs, cradling his face with his worthless, ugly hands. Everything hurts.

Why can't he just  _die_ already?

*

He doesn't attend any more auditions. He doesn't attend rehearsals. He starts missing glee club meetings.

The gel isn't as painstakingly applied. The bowties get tied on the slightest bit askew. The polo doesn't always match the pants perfectly.

His eyes don't darken- they start to empty out, become hollow.

He forgets one meal, then another, and doesn't notice. If he did, he wouldn't care. 

All he can focus on is punishing himself for a crime no one knows he committed, for breaking another's heart and shattering his own.

He fades and no one notices, no one cares.

 

**Glease**

**_I'm lying by myself_  ( _the silence seems to swell)_**

Blaine doesn't go to any of the Grease performances. He goes home after school instead of heading to the auditorium to help set up and lays on his bed with his face buried in his pillow, tears far gone. He sings quietly, desperately, as he imagines the New Directions in Grease and Kurt in New York without him.

(They're better off without him, he reminds himself, they don't need him. No one needs him, wants him.)

He accepted this a long time ago, or at least he thought he had, but it hurts like the phantom aches that he still feels sometimes from the Sadie Hawkins bashing- a pain that will never go away.

_My head is saying, "Fool, forget him."_

_My heart is saying, "Don't let go._

_Hold on till the end."_

_And that's what I intend to do_

_I'm hopelessly devoted to you_

He curls up into himself, hugging his knees to his chest. His body shudders and he stumbles on a note for a moment before picking back up the song, voice cracking and breaking over the notes.

There's no way he can do this, no way he can continue. Every day is black nowadays- school, what little food he can stomach, vomit, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. There's nothing to live for, no reason to go on.

"Amelia, time for dinner!" His father calls up the stairs to Blaine's mother, and Blaine wants to just curl up in a ball and forget everything but he supposes he has to eat _something_ \- he hasn't yet today. He drags himself up from his bed, every limb heavy.

Yet another night in this house, and Blaine can feel the darkness closing in.

(It's almost a relief.)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm really proud of this. It's my longest one-shot ever and it took forever to write. Hope you enjoyed!  
> Please give kudos and leave comments! Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Okay, so who wants a perspective of early season four and the slight and/or major changes made there?


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